spginthecity Female Singapore About Me 33 year old Singaporean, female, in a relationship and now living back in Singapore. Have lived in India, the UK and most recently, the US. I still pretend to work during the day, but still spend most of my time surfing the internet and emailing friends around the world. Interests Reading, eating, dancing, singing (badly and almost always alone), watching lots and lots of telly, and of course, shopping.
Fave Movie Anything with Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Clive Owen.... hmm all Brit actors, I wonder why! Current fave - Casino Royale - Daniel Craig was sooo hot in it! Also, Pride and Prejudice - OMG Matthew Macfadyen as Mr Darcy! Closer, Hotel Rwanda, Sin City, Harry Potter movies and of course, the LOTR Trilogy (I like The Two Towers best) and the original Star Wars Trilogy, sans George Lucas' fiddling about!
I had invited two friends (A&B) over for pool-cum-makan session yesterday. I thought it would be nice if we could chill out by the pool, then come up for nice homecooked food, and then maybe a spot of karaoke after dinner. My two friends sounded pretty enthusiastic about the idea when I suggested it to them.
The BF and I even went food shopping. The BF was planning to start off with a mozzarella and tomato salad, followed by his delicious pasta dish with prawns in a tomato sauce.
So we were all ready for a nice afternoon/evening.
Except that my friends didnt turn up.
At about 5pm, friend A texted me to say that it was raining and that he was watching football/rugby on telly. Ok, fine, I could understand, after all, it was raining and who would want to venture out in the rain? I texted back and told him to come later for dinner, say about 7-8pm, since the BF and I had already bought enough fresh food for four. He didnt reply so I thought, ok, he'll probably discuss with friend B about when to meet, etc.
6pm came and went and still I had no news from either of them. I finally rang friend B to see what was happening. She said she was waiting for Friend A to call. She then called Friend A, and apparently Friend A suggested to her that they come over today instead.
Today came and went and I didnt even get a single call or a single text message from either of them. How bloody rude of them! All I wanted was to spend some time with my friends, even roped in the BF to cook, and they couldnt even show up and didnt even bother to call. That's why I'm so pissed off with them. Especially since this isnt the first time it's happened.
Yup, it's happened before.
During Hari Raya this year, I had mentioned over email to a few friends that I wanted to organise a tea party on Sunday at our place. Nothing fancy, the BF was going to bake and I thought it would be nice to have my friends and family over for tea. But I didnt get a reply from even one of them. No, not true, one did reply, but the reply was very ambivalent. I figured they were all obviously uninterested, so I told them to forget it - and that we could do this some other time.
But is there really any point of doing it some other time?
The tea party on Sunday went on without a hitch. The family and extended family came and we all had a very nice time. The BF baked two heavenly cakes and my dad brought delicious Bengawan Solo cakes. YUM!
I actually felt bad about excluding my friends, so I texted and invited them again. One replied to say he couldnt come as he had to work - valid reason. One texted on the day itself to say she couldnt make it as she had car issues. One said he had to go on Hari Raya visits with the family. Another said 'Insyallah' which I took to mean no. And one didnt even bother to reply. Nice.
I dont know why it is so hard to organise a meal with this group of friends. All I want to do is to invite them over for all of us to have a good time, but everytime I try to organise anything, it's like pulling teeth when I want to get a response from them. All I get is a 'see how' or 'I'm so broke', all sorts of bloody excuses. Is it so hard to decide? Not asking for anything complicated here, a simple yes or no would suffice. Like the time when I wanted to get friends over to my parents to surprise the BF on his birthday. I had to remind friend A that the BF had cooked dinner for his birthday and all he needed to do was to show up. But seriously, why do I have to resort to emotional blackmail just to get my friend to join us?
Come to think of it, it's not only when I want to invite them over to our place. Earlier this year, I came into some money and wanted to buy my friends dinner and drinks. Again, I got the usual 'see first / i cant go bcos i hv to spend time with my family" and in the end, I didnt buy dinner for anyone. As I said to my sister, well too bad for them, I wanted to treat them but if its SO hard to get them to agree to a date, then I'll just use the money to buy myself another handbag!
So I am rather disappointed with my group of friends. This group of friends are my closest friends - I consider them almost like family. They are the ones I share my good fortune with and are also the ones I turn to when in need of help or even just a listening ear. And I thought I was the same for them.
But maybe, it's not the same for them after all?
I dont know what it is. I know we all have our own lives to lead and we have different interests/responsibilities/etc, but sometimes I wonder why I'm treated like a second-class friend. It's as though my feelings dont count when my suggestion to this/that is shot down/ignored, but the moment other friends suggest something - it's all systems go.
Perhaps my friends dont like the BF? Or perhaps we've outgrown each other? Perhaps they dont really want to spend time with me because I havent really been around since I left to go overseas, and when I do come back to Singapore, it's only temporary? Sometimes I get the feeling that they are sharing all sorts of secrets together, but they share secrets between themselves, not with me. Perhaps I'm now merely an outsider, being allowed to look in the inner circle, but not really allowed in?
Perhaps I'm just clinging to the past - clinging to the friendship we used to have?
Oh I dont know.
What I do know is that I'm very pissed off, and frankly, trying to continue this friendship is pretty damn tiriing.
I'm tired of trying to invite friends over, tired of trying to organise stuff, tired of being rejected or being shown zero interest/enthusiasm. I'm tired.
So I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to bother.
I'm not saying I dont want to be friends with them anymore - that's just silly - we've been friends since we were 14 and we've all been through a lot with each other. But perhaps I shouldnt treat them like family anymore, and just treat them as ordinary friends?
yes, thats why i'm so pissed off.. they're supposed to be oldest and dearest friends, and yet they do this to me! sigh....
gustavo December 7, 2008 12:04 PM PST
Hi, I came over your blog and I was pretty amazed by your story. Could it be that you were not there when they needed you most? Or they themselves are busy with their lives and were not able to find the correct time to meet and mingle? Oh come on, let's face the facts. Did we all actually spend a lot of time with our friends or your loved ones? Or maybe you have just been clinging to the wrong group of friends and had forgotten to maintain the real good ones in the process. In the end, was all this worth it? Just a thought for you to ponder - True friends will stay with you through thick and thin but they will not necessarily be there for you always. Cheer up.
pugly January 2, 2009 11:45 PM PST
I think it's high time you find yourself a new set of friends.
I mean, come on lah. If nak suruh makan pun susah sangat, then what's the point lah? Every single time pulak tu. If it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't. If they can't even be there for you during the good times, then what are the chances that they're going to be there for you during the bad times?
Sadly, friendships do run its course over time. Even those established over years. I've written once about how this year has been bad for friendships in general, so yeah, maybe this is one of the instances.
Don't fret too much about it. As you've said it yourself, it's their loss. Out with the old & in with the new I'd say!